As you and your husband plan your retirement years, make sure you address issues such as what happens if he dies before you and his kids have to choose your care facility in your old age, or pay for it. Make sure to plan so that you will not be left out on the street by resentful stepkids. Gretchen has worried about her elderly years, even though her relationship with her two stepchildren is strong.
“My own insecurity has been that if anything happens to my husband, then I’ll be alone—even though the kids have been very candid about saying to me, ‘If you guys ever get divorced, we would want you to have custody.’”
Ending up alone is a fear that a lot of stepmothers have, and rightly so. What guarantee do we have that our stepchildren will visit us and care for us when we need it? Gretchen has put away much of her salary, so she knows she’s financially safe. Like Gretchen, plan to have enough for your retirement years—and continue developing those relationships with the kids.
Children in stepfamilies that stick together for decades often feel they have two nuclear families, or a binuclear family, once the early upheaval is over and everyone has settled into feeling like family.
I definitely have two nuclear families, and I feel responsible for knowing what’s going to happen to the parents and stepparents on both sides as they enter their seventies, eighties, and nineties. It’s my job as a child of both houses to make sure that no one is left out on the street. I know they have all set up plans for themselves, but if it came down to it, I would make sure they’re covered.
It’s what families do. At this point I don’t expect that kind of dedication from my stepchildren. It’s still too early. I wish to develop the kind of relationships with them that stand the tests of time. If something happened to their father, I hope they would still feel a connection to me.